


Butterfly

by Rainy_Summer



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-05-07
Packaged: 2019-05-01 20:12:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14528280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rainy_Summer/pseuds/Rainy_Summer
Summary: They said that when you love someone, you have to let them go.Even if it hurts.Even if you would kill yourself by doing so.





	Butterfly

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the song Butterfly by Mariah Carey

◇◇◇◇◇  
Hyungwon used to be so weak. Almost scared of everything. Wary of everyone. The first time that Kihyun saw him was when the tall boy was standing at the door, hesitating to enter their classroom. He was a transfer student from Gwangju, moving to Seoul for a fresh start together with his mother after his parents separation.

He stood there motionless, carefully looking, or judging the people inside the room. Which one among them was nice? Which one wasn't? Which one would poke fun on him because his family's situation wasn't so... conventional.

Perhaps, It was his small stature that put the false input inside the tall boy's head, made him think that Kihyun was harmless and kind, Hyungwon picked the seat beside him.

There were no 'hi', 'hello', 'my name is'. Nothing. Hyungwon just sat there silently, for the rest of the semester.

Being seat mates with Hyungwon made Kihyun learn a lot about the former, not that he was intentionally paying attention. He was just a good observant. That's all.

The tall boy was smart but was underappreciated by the teachers and his classmates. You know that silent person at the back of the room who didn't have any friends because he's either too shy or just preferred to be left alone but secretly aced exams in Math, Science and English but you didn't pay attention because he's practically invisible? That's Hyungwon.

Such a shame though. The boy got the looks and the brain. If only he would come out of his shell.

 

'I have learned that beauty has to flourish in the light'

 

◇◇◇◇◇  
It was an accident when he saw Hyungwon in that position, surrounded by group of delinquent students. You know those boys who skipped their classes to go around and smoke cigarette and what else? The type who would harass students younger than them for money or simply for fan? Those candidates to contribute as a garbage in the society? That's them.

Hyungwon might have been taller that all of them but those thin arms would be no help for him.

Maybe it was him trying to act like a superhero. Maybe it was him trying to emphasize hia strong sense of righteousness. Maybe it was just him being stupid. After all, who in their right mind would throw themself at the enemies who, number one, was literally stronger than them, and number two, stronger than them in numbers.

The brawl, or rather the beating up, was ended when a loud whistle was heard and the group of delinquents rushed to escape. The loud whistle turned out to be from a hoobae, a cute dimpled boy named Jooheon.

In the end, Kihyun didn't only fail in preventing Hyungwon from getting beaten up but he also earned bumps and bruises on his own.

It wasn't anymore an accident, however, when Kihyun started looking out for Hyungwon discreetly. He would always walk a few steps behind him, making sure that no one would harass him. Not like Kihyun could do anything about it, but still.

Minhyuk, his friend from another class, called it stalking and obsession. Kihyun called it an act of kindness, a simple contribution for a better world in the future.

Kihyun grade were hanging on a thin thread. Still passing but on the verge of going down. Not a very good sign. The only reason that Kihyun was able to study in that school was through his scholarship. Meaning, if he messed up in the final exam, he needed to find another school.

It wasn't because of Hyungwon, but it probably was, that Kihyun started paying attention to his academics, and if it wasn't because of his previous slacking, he would have been on top of his class.

Kihyun was that student who's smart but was lacking in motivation, drive, inspiration. Hyungwon became that person. The strong will to protect Hyungwon, or the strong will to become a good member of the society in Kihyun's opinion, turned him into a much better version of himself.

 

'You have given me the courage to be all that I can.'

 

◇◇◇◇◇  
Hyungwon was shy, but he was not dumb nor blind. He clearly saw through Kihyun's actions and the latter was naive to believe that he was being discreet.

It started out with Hyungwon putting a homemade lunch his desk, a small thank you for his act of kindness. Kihyun wanted to laugh, because really, he was not of any help to Hyungwon anyway, as much as he wanted to. He accepted it anyway.

Sharing lunch turned into study dates, two equally intelligent people hanging out over thick books and chips that Kihyun smuggled into the library. Study dates turned into sleepover at Kihyun's place over a Science project that they decided to work on together. Science project turned into personal talks, the later purpose of their succeeding place over.

They talked, face to face, while lying on Kihyun's single bed, Hyungwon's minty fresh breath touching Kihyun's face. They talked, about Hyungwon's father and his new family, his dad's new baby. About how those eyes that used to shine by looking at him only sparkle on the new kid. They talked about the lunch box that failed to reappear on Kihyun and Hyungwon's desk. They talked about Hyungwon's family, about how she found herself a new husband. Hyungwon talked about new pictures that Hyungwon was not a part of, not even in the background.

They kissed, soft and short one. At that very moment, Kihyun decided to make a new picture where Hyungwon would not only be a part of, but the center of it.

And so he did. Maybe it was a bit too much, but he failed to notice. Everything that he did was for of Hyungwon. Everything that he did was for Hyungwon.

Hyungwon decided to pursue a degree in Business Administration. Not that he really wanted to. It was just that he believed that it would make his parents proud. Hyungwon wanted to be noticed by them again. Kihyun followed him, not that he really wanted to. He would have chosen Music and Photography, but maybe Business Ad would not be so bad.

Kihyun affirmed that he did a good decision right on the very first day at the university. Hyungwon stumbled and struggled with his words when introducing himself, and was very much on the verge of digging a hole to hide himself in embarassment. Hyungwon would never survive without him.

So, even if Kihyun struggled too much, it was all worth it when Hyungwon would look at him, equally tired, but filled with gratitude that Kihyun was there with him. It was all worth it.

 

'When you love someone so deeply, they become your life.'

 

◇◇◇◇◇  
Kihyun was used to his small circle. Him and Hyungwon. Sure, back in high school, they had Jooheon and Minhyuk, but the two of them never quite passed through that invisible wall that Kihyun and Hyungwon built around them. It felt weird to see Hyungwon talking comfortably with another person that was not him.

Hoseok was his name, he shared one class with Hyungwon, that one class that Kihyun wasn't a part of because the registrar messed up his work.

Hoseok said that Hyungwon looked so alone so he decided to befriend him. Kihyun wanted to say that 'I know, that's how we started' but he shut his mouth.

Hyungwon talked to him about Hoseok and his friend who liked to sing and dance. Hyungwon said that he told Hoseok that they share the same interest. Kihyun was shocked, he only discovered the taller's passion for singing and dancing by accident. It wasn't an information that Hyungwon shared with him freely.

He told him that Hoseok was inviting them to join their small group of two. Hyungwon looked at him, eager and convincing. While Kihyun was not fond of dancing as much as he liked singing, there was not really a decision to make. What Hyungwon wanted, Kihyun would give.

Then they met Hyunwoo, Hoseok's friend, as tall as Hyungwon, as muscular as Hoseok. His small eyes and gentle smile assured everyone that he was a harmless giant.

The four of them clicked, despite Kihyun's initial hesitation. Hoseok was fun, flirty at times but a kid at heart while Hyunwoo was quiet and caring, not in an overbearing mother, Kihyun's way, but like a calm but dependable dad. It was a lot easy to befriend them and since Hyungwon was at ease with them, Kihyun had no reason to dislike them.

It was just for fun, a little bit of stress reliever from their midterm exam even if it would ironically just contribute to their stress, that Hoseok decided to sigh all four of them for for a talent show on the university's foundation day.

With little free time that they had while juggling school works and part time jobs, they manage to practice for their performance.

Kihyun stared at Hyungwon worriedly as they stood behind the stage, waiting for their turn. He was not used to standing in front of so many people, moreover performing in front of them. But when the two of them met each other's stares, Kihyun saw nothing but excitement and happiness in the taller's eyes.

Only then did Kihyun noticed his heart hammering fast inside his chest, not for Hyungwon, but for himself. It was his first big stage. It was his biggest stage ever. Surely, Kihyun had sung in front of people before but not to a crowd as big as the talent show's audience.

He scanned the backstage for Hyungwon, seeking from him what he didn't really know, but the taller wasn't there anymore. He was already on the stage and it was Shownu who patted him reassuringly on his back and walked together with him.

The performance went well though they failed to win first place. They didn't go unnoticed by the audience however.

'Who is the cute tall guy with shy smile and squishy cheeks? He looks like someone from the manga. Why have I not noticed him before? He's such a hottie.'

The day after the talent show, people started recognizing Hyungwon. They started talking about him. The person they used to simply pass by on the corridor became the hottest subject. Everyone wanted to know him, to befriend him and to get a piece of him and it frightened Kihyun.

Hyungwon was fragile, one wrong move and he would break into pieces and Kihyun wasn't sure if he would be able to pick up the pieces and build him up again. These people only wanted Hyungwon for his looks but Hyungwon was more than that.

If Hyungwon would run to his arms and ask him to leave with him because the attention that he was receiving was too much, too unbearable, Kihyun would instantly pack their things. But it never happened. While Hyungwon remained shy with strangers, he did not show signs of distress, of fear.

When Hyungwon started missing study dates with Kihyun due to some people needing his help, the hammering feeling inside his chest returned and it never left. Sure, he was afraid that Hyungwon was trusting people easily, and that he might get hurt, but really, Kihyun was the one afraid of being hurt.

 

'It's easy to succumb to overwhelming fears inside.'

 

◇◇◇◇◇  
The hardest thing about painting a picture was while you were busy painting a smile on your subject by drawing things to make the smile genuine, you failed to notice that it was already crowded, and it was impossible for you to include yourself. So, you were not there, not even in the background.

As if it was not enough of a nightmare for Kihyun to see Hyungwon comfortably mingling with other people while unintentionally neglecting the their time together, someone decided to upload their performance in the Internet for everyone outside their university to see.

It was not long before an entertainment agency took notice on Hyungwon, not the four of them, just Hyungwon. They wanted to sign him as a trainee and Kihyun could no longer delude himself that Hyungwon would say no and stay with him. The new Hyungwon loved attention. He would say yes.

Damn right, he fucking said yes. He said yes without even asking Kihyun's opinion. Kihyun felt worthless.

There were a lot of things that Kihyun wanted to say to Hyungwon

One, fuck him, Kihyun was the only one who stayed with him. When his parents treated him like shit, Kihyun was there. When people in high school avoided him and treated him like dirt, Kihyun was there. When he decided to pursue Business Administration, Kihyun was there for him, shoving his own dreams aside, putting Hyungwon first.

Kihyun owned him. From the minute he dragged himself in the mess called Chae Hyungwon, he owned him. From the moment that his life started revolving around Hyungwon, he owned him. From the moment that Kihyun willingly forgot about himself in order to cater to everything that Hyungwon needed, he fucking owned him.

That could have been Kihyun, the one being chased by agencies in order to add to their group of trainees, had he pursued a career in music like he planned, long before he met Hyungwon. But no. He made a choice. A sacrifice. And what did he get in return? To be forgotten.

How dare he drag him into this life and leave him easily? Wasn't it supposed to be just the two of them against each other?

Why couldn't he make the same sacrifice that Kihyun did? Why couldn't he just lock the two of them together and never let anyone leave?

 

'Blindly I imagined I could keep you on the glass'

 

◇◇◇◇◇  
Hyungwon left their shared apartment to move to a dorm designated for trainees like him. He dropped out of the University, ending his former dream to start a new one, leaving Kihyun behind.

It wasn't like Hyungwon had completely cut him off of his life. He would reach out to Kihyun at times but of course, trainee life was difficult and tiring.

Hyungwon grew as a person. He was finally starting to come out of his shell, bravely facing the world on his own. Sadly, Kihyun and him grew apart.

Kihyun graduated, Hyungwon debuted. Kihyun got his bachelor's degree, Hyungwon got the love that he wanted, because Kihyun's love wasn't enough. Kihyun celebrated his graduation with Hoseok and Hyunwoo, Hyungwon celebrated his debut with hundreds of people he didn't even know.

It's ironic how, while Kihyun was struggling with finding a job, Hyungwon was getting everything that he wanted.

His parents' were suddenly HIS parents, so damn proud of him. And his former classmates who outcasted him were suddenly HIS friends.

As if rubbing things on Kihyun's face, HI! (the name of the duo that Hyungwon was a part of, derived from his and his partner, I.M's, initials) was heard everywhere he goes. As if telling him, 'hey Kihyun, this is the guy you wasted your time with, look at where he is and look at where you are.'

However, HI! was one of those groups with short lived success. Their debut song was a one hit wonder. It was a case of mismanagement, the crappy agency wasted their talent by forcing them to sing songs which didn't suit them. Soon, they lost the public's interest.

There were a lot of talks in the Internet, from people who didn't know a single thing but decided their opinions were valid simply because they thought so.

Hyungwon was bound to flop, they said. There were even rumors that even HI!'s producers thought so themselves. Hyungwon was the pretty boy who could turn heads wherever he went but that's all there was to him, nothing else. They said I.M was better off as solo.

They were wrong, of course. Hyungwon wasn't all that. There was more to him. Hyungwon's dance was so filled with emotions, so filled with stories he couldn't speak about. His voice, so deep, you would willing fall for him. But the agency decided to confine his dances with one specific genre, hiphop, something he was good at but certainly not his best. They were also stupid to force Hyungwon to sing high notes, simply because they wanted a contrast to I.M's deep voice. Hyungwon was not bound to flop, they were all just too blind to see. Hyungwon wasn't just a pretty face, they were not Kihyun, so they could not see.

HI! disbanded, I.M was absorbed by another agency, a bigger one this time. Hyungwon was left with nothing, not even a single penny, typical dirty works of a crappy agency.

It wasn't a surprise, when one night, Hyungwon appeared at his door steps. Wrecked. Devastated. Broken. Empty. Kihyun let him in. He embraced him with open arms.

 

"If you should return to me, we truely were meant to be."

 

◇◇◇◇◇  
Sometimes, even if we tried to provide everything for someone, it just wasn't enough. We would never be enough. It wasn't our fault though, maybe that's just how things would work.

So when Hyungwon decided to leave again, to pursue a career as a DJ this time, despite the two of them settling together for a year, Kihyun was more accepting.

Maybe it was his issues with his parents that Hyungwon constantly needed validation and maybe validation through Kihyun's unconditional love was not enough. Maybe Hyungwon was just trying to find himself. Maybe that's just what Hyungwon wanted to do and Kihyun should stop interpreting things and just let him go.

Kihyun did not ask him to stay. Nor did he tried to follow him. Maybe, what Hyungwon needed from Kihyun was a support, an acknowledgement that the latter was strong enough. He could make it on his own. He could be whatever he wanted to be.

With a heavy heart, he let him go.

Hyungwon wasn't Kihyun's until he decided to be his.

 

'For you'll never be mine, until you know the way it feels to fly.'

 

◇◇◇◇◇  
DJ H.One made it big, especially outside South Korea. First it was in China, and then in Japan, the rest of South East Asia, his music travelled to America and soon enough, the entire world was dancing to his beats.

Kihyun made a good choice when he let him go. It was good, even there was pang of emptiness inside him. Hyungwon was Kihyun's true love. Hyungwon's was his dreams. It was a sacrifice, but that's love, right? You're happy when the one you love was happy.

Kihyun took his Master's degree, and later opened his own small restaurant. It turned out, he had a hidden talent in cooking and with Hoseok and Hyunwoo's insistent, he decided to push through with the business. Minhyuk and Jooheon decided to catch up with him, visiting him from time to time, mostly for free foods.

Kihyun was living his life, not really on his own but with friends who decided to pester him (in Kihyun's term) when they decided that their life needed a little bit of him.

He wasn't expecting something, He stopped doing that long ago. Hoping, yes, but not anymore expecting.

That's why he was surprised to see Hyungwon at his door steps. Happy. Contented. Longing. Tired. He let him in and embraced him awkwardly. How long had it been since they last saw each other? Three years? Four?

'Hi', 'hello', 'how have you been?'. The usual things you asked someone you haven't seen for so long.

Hyungwon was offered a job by AOMG, a five year exclusive contract. Hyungwon accepted. 

He said it was tiring. It was tiring to go to different places and never had a place go home to. So he left China, the first ever country who accepted him as a musician and embraced him as a person, to come home to the country who let him down. Ironic, wasn't it?

But Hyungwon insisted that South Korea was his home. That even if the fame around the world was lavishly pouring at him, nothing beats home.

"I'm staying here in Seoul," he said.

"I'm never going to leave again," he said.

"With you," he said.

"Can I?" he asked

And Kihyun nodded. Because no matter how many times Hyungwon decided to leave, Kihyun would be there to wait for him. To welcome him home. To embrace him with open arms.

 

'And I truly feel your heart will lead you back to me when you're ready to land.'


End file.
